The Epic of Gilgamesh: Tablet 11
And here it is, the final Tablet of the Gilgamesh Handbasket. Enjoy.
I should have another couple of chapters of the Monkey one soon if my body decides not to put me through terrible pain like it did last night.
Tablet 11
Gilgamesh feels stupid, the flood story is retold, the quest ends in failure.
GILGAMESH
You’re Utanapishtim? I was expecting some big godly thing but you’re like me. Man, and I came this way thinking I could fight you to get the secret of Eternal Life.
UTANAPISHTIM
Violence is never the answer, kiddo. Let me tell you the Story of the Flood and you’ll know the Secret of the Gods!
UTANAPISHTIM tells a that is interesting FLOOD STORY but which isn’t actually important to the STORY.
UTANAPISHTIM
And so the Gods made me and my wife Immortals and sent us to live far away at the Mouth of the Rivers.
GILGAMESH
So, can you ask the Gods to make me Immortal?
UTANAPISHTIM
For you, I’ll see what I can do. But you have to prove yourself so sit here and don’t sleep for six days and seven nights.
GILGAMESH
Oh that’s easy.
GILGAMESH sits down and immediately FALLS ASLEEP.
UTANAPISHTIM
Asleep already? Honey, make a loaf of bread for every day he sleeps and mark it on the wall.
GILGAMESH sleeps for six days and seven nights.
UTANAPISHTIM
Ok, I think the point is made.
UTANAPISHTIM touches GILGAMESH and wakes him.
GILGAMESH
Oh, just as I was about to fall asleep, thanks pal!
UTANAPISHTIM
Check out the moldy bread and marks on the wall. You’ve been sleeping for six days and seven nights.
GILGAMESH
Oh… I guess I don’t get to become Immortal.
UTANAPISHTIM
That’s about the size of it. Urshanabi, you’re fired.
URSHANABI
Umm why?
UTANAPISHTIM
Because you brought this loser here. Go and be his servant and get him cleaned up, he stinks!
URSHANABI takes GILGAMESH and gets all decked out in his ROYAL FINERY.
UTANAPISHTIM’S WIFE
Now, dear, he’s come all this way, give him something to show for it.
UTANAPISHTIM
Oh all right. I’ll tell you a little secret, Gilgamesh, there’s a plant that if you eat it you’ll grow young again. It has a lot of thorns though, so be careful.
GILGAMESH
Thanks!
GILGAMESH ties BIG ROCKS to his legs and sinks into the WATER. It appears that these are DIFFERENT WATERS than the WATER of DEATH and are instead the Waters that flow through the UNDERWORLD.
GILGAMESH
Wouldn’t those be the Waters of Death then? Nevermind, that must be the plant!
GILGAMESH takes the plant, cuts the cords holding the BIG ROCKS and bobs to the surface like a CORK but doesn’t seem to suffer from the BENDS.
GILGAMESH
Got it! And it’s a thorny sucker too. I’ll take it back to Uruk and test it on an old man there.
THEY travel for THIRTY Leagues before they stop for the night and GILGAMESH decides to go and BATHE in a STREAM.
GILGAMESH
I’ll just leave this magical plant here. It should be safe.
No one is surprised when a SNAKE wanders onto the SCENE.
SNAKE
Mmm, that plant smells good, I’ll take it with me.
The SNAKE eats the plant and SHEDS it’s skin. GILGAMESH sees this and starts to cry.
GILGAMESH
Damn, I haven’t done a good deed for anyone except that snake. This sucks. This is the first quest I’ve ever failed.
URSHANABI
Sucks to be you. But how stupid do you have to be to leave a plant of eternal youth just lying around?
GILGAMESH
Shut up. Now I’m sad we can take the boat.
URSHANABI
Why not?
GILGAMESH
Because I say so.
THEY leave the BOAT for some UNKNOWN REASON and travel back to URUK by land.
GILGAMESH
Well at least the walls of my city will stand forever.
URSHANABI
That’s a much better way to look at it.
GILGAMESH
Enkidu did tell me to be content with my life. I knew that would be important.
URSHANABI
You would’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble if you’d listened to him.
GILGAMESH
It’s a bloody great wall though.
End.