Hieroglyphic Graffiti » Journey to the West Handbasket: Book 1 Chapter 2

Wednesday December, 7 2005

Journey to the West Handbasket: Book 1 Chapter 2

Filed under: General, Journey to the West: HandBasket — makani @ 10:39 am

Today we’re taking a break and heading back to China for some more Journey to the West but don’t worry, our favorite king and sidekick will be back tomorrow.

Book 1, Chapter 2
Monkey gets Tao

And so MONKEY KING begins to learn the TAO, which involves all sorts of CHORES and eating PEACHES. Seven years go by until one day SUBODHI gives a lecture about which there is more poetry.

MONKEY KING
Now that is some good shit!

SUBODHI
Ahh, you appreciate the Tao and you’ve been here seven years already. What would you like to learn?

MONKEY KING
How to be immortal.

SUBODHI
I could teach you any one of the three hundred and sixty divisions of the Tao.

MONKEY KING
Only if they can teach me to be Immortal.

SUBODHI then gets mad and hits MONKEY KING on the head three times, and then walks away with his arms folded behind his back, closing the main doors behind him.


OTHER STUDENTS
You idiot, now look what you’ve done. Who knows how long he’ll be in that hissy fit.

MONKEY KING
That’s ok. I’ve already solved his riddle. By hitting me three times, he means he wants me to wait for the Third Watch; by walking away with his arms folded behind his back through the main door, he wants me to enter by the back door to receive his instruction in secret. It’s simple really.

READERS
… Huh?

And so MONKEY KING goes and sees SUBODHI by sneaking into his room.


MONKEY KING
Come on, Master, wake up, I can’t just wait around all night.

SUBODHI
I see you solved my riddle.

MONKEY KING
It was pitifully easy, Master.

READERS
… It was?

SUBODHI
That means you truly are a creature born of heaven and earth.

MONKEY KING
Immortality makes you slow on the uptake, Master?

SUBODHI
I guess it’s time to start teaching you those immortal arts.

MONKEY KING
Finally!

MASTER SUBODHI teaches MONKEY KING all about immortal arts. Surprisingly there is no poetry but there is a hell of a lot of alchemical symbolism thrown about. Over the course of SEVERAL MORE YEARS MONKEY KING learns how to walk on clouds and masters seventy-two transformations.


MONKEY KING
Am I good or what?

STUDENTS
Yeah, you’re pretty good, how about showing off?

MONKEY KING
Ok, watch this, now I’m a pine tree.

MONKEY KING does indeed turn into a pine tree, at which all the STUDENTS laugh, disturbing SUBODHI who comes out and scolds them all for being too loud.


SUBODHI
You kids these days don’t take anything seriously. Wu’Kung, who told you to go and show off?

MONKEY KING
Aww, come on, it was just some fun.

SUBODHI
Humph! Off with you! Get out of here!

MONKEY KING
What? But, I owe you for all that teaching and food and stuff.

SUBODHI
No, you don’t; now go on, get out of here! And if you ever tell anyone that I was your master I’ll hear about it and believe you me, I’ll skin you alive, break all your bones and banish your soul to the Place of Ninefold Darkness!

MONKEY KING
Ok! Ok! Geez! I promise already!

And so MONKEY KING returns to his home, spouting poetry along the way.


MONKEY KING
It’s kind of catchy really. Hey, kids, I’m home!

MONKEYS
Well it sure took you long enough! Here we’ve been, oppressed by a demon who kidnaps our children, steals our stuff, and you never call, you never write!

MONKEY KING
What? A monster on my mountain?

MONKEYS
Yeah, he calls himself Monstrous King of Havoc and he lives north of here.
MONKEY KING
I’m the only king on this mountain. You kids go play; I’m going to go kick ass.


And so MONKEY KING flies off to find some more POETRY. He finds another mountain amidst all that poetry and starts throwing his weight around.

MONKEY KING
Hey, King of Havoc, or whatever, come out here and get your butt whipped.

KING OF HAVOC
Did you hear something? Don’t I have a cool name?

IMPS
There’s a Monkey outside who claims he’s the Lord of that cave you’ve been pillaging. He doesn’t have any weapons and he’s dressed funny.

KING OF HAVOC
Well, get me my armor and I’ll have a look.

The KING OF HAVOC dons his armor amid more poetry and steps outside.

MONKEY KING
Prepare yourself for a can of whoop ass!

KING OF HAVOC
You don’t have a weapon, here I’ll put down my sword and we’ll box.

MONKEY KING
It’s your funeral.


They fight and MONKEY KING succeeds in righteously kicking ass. When the KING OF HAVOC tries to cheat and get MONKEY KING with his sword, MONKEY KING uses his hair to make thousands of little monkeys who assist with the serious ass kicking. MONKEY KING wins the battle and kills the KING and all of his IMPS.

MONKEYS
Yay! We’re free! But how do we get home?

MONKEY KING
Got you covered.


MONKEY KING uses his TAOIST MAGIC to transport all the little monkeys home.

MONKEYS
YAY! You rock! Let’s have a party!

MONKEY KING
Sounds good to me, oh, and we have a surname now. We’re all Suns.

MONKEYS
Works for us! Let’s party.

They all party.


WU’CHENG EN
Unless you know the story, you’ll have to wait and read the next chapter! I told you I was going to say that each time.

There you have it. It might be a few days before I have more Monkey for you but I think Gilgamesh will tide you over.

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