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If you're here you've probably played Dungeons and Dragons.  This d20 roleplaying system has a host of magical items that range from Minor to Wondrous.  Most of them are so expensive and rare that most gamers can only dream of acquiring them.  Everything from Portable Holes to Magical Weapons can be found in the Dungeon Master's handbook, but what about the not-so-great items?  Items that a player actually can afford.  Items that perhaps have humorous effects?  Look no further!  Below is a list of what we have proudly named Mediocre Magical Items!

This list is always a work in progress.  If you have a suggestion for a Mediocre Magical Item please email me and I'll set my team to reviewing it.

Seen these already?  Go to page 2.

Item Name

What it Does Cost/Worth
Pork Chop of Indifference The player eats it but doesn't seem to care. 1gp
The Hat of Spam Production A regular looking 10 gallon hat that produces 1 can of Spam once per day. 5gp
Glasses of Blurry Vision These glasses have a large black rimmed design.  Everything seems blurry and out of focus when the glasses are worn. 3gp
The Basket of Misunderstanding A small wicker basket with no handles.  When a member of a party is in possession of this item everything that he/she says will be misunderstood by their teammates.  Best when used in conjunction with the Rod of Innuendo. 3gp
Rod of Innuendo This long rod looks remarkably like something else...When a player is in possession of this rod everything the player says or does is packed with innuendo. 5gp
The Pants of Illusion These pants come in a varity of colors, but will always have a winking smily patch on the back pocket.  When a player wears these pants they believe that their butt looks really really good. 6gp
Rag of Fury This is an ordinary table washer's rag, but when the wrath of the user is aroused the rag can summon 1d10 spray bottles that each have their own 2d6 spray attack. 10gp
Vampiric Salt Shaker An undead Salt Shaker that stalks only sodium to feed on.   It has fangs and wears a black velvet cape. 1gp
Cornucopia of a Little Less A magical Cornucopia that produces a loaf of bread and three pieces of fruit once per day. 8gp
Horn of Whispering A horn tiny golden horn that when blown produces a tone so low that creatures and players must make a Listen Check DC 22 to hear it. 2gp
Corset of Poppy Nipples When wearing this corset a player must make a Reflex Save DC 16 to keep their nipples from popping out. 8gp
Ring of Clumsiness A bright golden banded ring with a green stone.  While wearing this ring a creature or player must make a Reflex Save DC 15 to keep from falling down. 17gp
Cloak of Apathy When a creature or player wears this cloak they cease to care about everything.  The cloak comes in a variety of colors, but no one seems to care.  If worn while wielding the Sword of Apathy the player or creature will fall asleep. 10gp
Sword of Apathy When a creature of player wields this sword they no longer care about the battle.
If wielding while the creature or player is wearing a Cloak of Apathy they will fall asleep.
Ring of Small Forest Animals A small ring in the shape of a squrril.  When this ring is worn it can summon 1d10 small forest creatures who will follow the player or creature around looking cute. 15gp
Katana of Nerf This katana is made of soft foam.  It does no damage when wielded. 3gp
Ring of Gaudiness This ring simply looks gaudy when worn. 35gp
The Stain of Ambiguity No one is quite sure where it came from, it's just always been there. 1gp
Portable Puddle This small 1 inch deep puddle may be folded up and carried, although it will get whatever container it is being carried in sopping wet. 3gp
Bag of Misplacing This bag can hold only 1d4 small items and it  tends to get lost within a players other bags.  Player must make a search check of DC 18 to locate the bag. 23gp
The Half-Eaten Plate of Plenty AKA The Dishwashers Bane This appears to be an ordinary plate of half eaten Dining Hall Thanksgiving Dinner.  It will eternally renew itself, fully satisfying the hunger of those desperate enough to eat of it -5gp - People have often attempted to pay others to take it
Bedroll of Eternal Crankiness Every morning a player must roll 1d10 against a crick in the neck.  A nine gets bad hair, 8-5 gets no crick in the neck, but a leg cramp instead.   The Bedroll is lumpy and incredibly uncomfortable, as well as an astonishingly loud shade of plaid. 4gp
The Hairbrush of Instant Dreadlocks This small hairbrush is decorated with beads and flowers, when used the owner will be given a perfect set of dreadlocks, complete with glass beads etc. based on the owner's personality.  Owner gets -3 cha in all environments except barbarism or hippie ones, in which the player gets +3 cha, but is constantly solicited for pipeweed 2gp
The Horn of Parental Irritation This horn looks like a child's trumpet.  When sounded it's tone mimics precisely the victim's parent saying something obnoxious, such as: "When was the last time you mucked out the dragon's stall, young lady!!"  Causes victim to curl up in a little ball and whimper, although it does no physical damage. 5gp
The Floppy Hat of Personal Wit This hat is over large and will droop comically around anyone's head.  Anything the owner of this hat says seems to be extremely witty.
Works best when used with The Quill of Eternal Quoting.
The Armor of Angst Appears to be soot blackened leather armor accompanied with a pair of soot blackened gloves. When worn, black makeup will appear on the face of the wearer, and will cause them to sulk throughout the rest of the battle. Also has a special attack if the wearer wears both gloves and armor, is mad enough, and screams the chant "It's NOT FAIR!" loudly at the opponent they will land a flurry of blows on the opponents chest. However, the total damage the attack has is 1d4. If used with the Sword or Cloak of Apathy, the wearer will storm off the battlefield,
go to their room, and slam any doors they encounter on their way.
The Corset of Invisibility When worn, the maid's assets appear to be greatly enhanced. The problem is they also vanish. They are also the only part of the wearer's body that appear visible. 15gp
The Ring of Say-So This ring has a silver band and a bright opal stone with a pattern that looks like a stern face.  It grants the wearer the power to answer any question with "Because I said so." If The victim must make a will save (DC equal to 15 + the wearer's CHA bonus) if they fail, the victim of the ring's power will be thoroughly satisfied with merely "Because." 10gp
Dust Bunny +5 This dust bunny always hits for 1/5 hp damage.  These creatures are hard to find because they appear to be regular dust bunnies.  A player wishing to find one must either throw dust bunnies at their target until one attacks, or attack dust bunnies until one hits back. 3gp
Short Sword of Reticence When attacking with the Short Sword of Reticence, make a Will check (DC 10 + 1 for each level of the target). If the Will check fails, damage is reduced to d4-1. If the check succeeds, deal the normal d6. 20gp
The Emperor's Robes Although these appear to the wearer to be finely-crafted mithril plate mail, they have an AC of 0. All other people who see the wearer of the Robes will see them as they truly are: a tattered pink bathrobe covered with purple dinosaurs. 5gp

Read all of these?  Go to page 2.

Credits to: Cassie, Helen, Nick, Jemma, Nat, and John for their help.