The Epic of Gilgamesh: Tablet 1

NARRATOR
Iím going to tell you all about Gilgamesh. He was a great king, gods loved him, he built this great city here, and he did all kinds of great stuff. Man he was great. Well, I suppose I should mention that he started out a really nasty guy.

GLIGAMESH
Bring me the virgins so that I may lay with them! Noble ladies or otherwise, I want them all!

The PEOPLE cried out to the GODS.

PEOPLE
The king sucks!

ANU
Hey, Arunru, you started this, you fix it. Make someone to be his equal.

ARUNRU
Got you covered.

And so the Goddess ARUNRU created ENKIDU.

ARUNRU
Ok, kiddo, go out there into the wild and be like the animals. Gilgamesh is sure to hear about a wild man.

ENKIDU wanders around with the ANIMALS scaring the crap out of a famous TRAPPER.

TRAPPER
So, Dad, I was out trapping game when I saw this man. He fills in my pits and tears up my traps! Iím too scared to go near him. Got any advice?

TRAPPERíS FATHER
No oneís stronger than Gilgamesh. Go find him. Oh, and get a harlot.

TRAPPER
Whatever, Dad, you pervert.

The TRAPPER goes and finds GILGAMESH.

TRAPPER
Thereís this wild man who fills in my traps. I bet heís even stronger than you!

GILGAMESH
Well, we can fix that. Here, take a harlot, Shamhat. Once they get down and dirty, the wild beasts will run from him too!

TRAPPER
Huh, guess Dad was right.

The TRAPPER and SHAMHAT journey for three days and then wait around three days for ENKIDU to show up.

TRAPPER
There he is! Iíll leave you two to go at it. Have fun.

SHAMHAT
Men, theyíre all the same. Anyway, come here big boy; let me teach you about the worldís oldest profession.

ENKIDU and SHAMHAT get down and dirty for SIX DAYS and SEVEN NIGHTS.

SHAMHAT
Oh, I like a man who can go the distance. Stay around and we can talk.

ENKIDU
Well, it was great, got to get back to running with the gazelles and all.

ANIMALS
AHHH! You smell like human!

The ANIMALS no longer accept ENKIDU as one of their own and ENKIDU, for some reason, can no longer run fast enough to keep up with them.

ENKIDU
Ok then. Guess Iíll sit around and hear what you have to say.

SHAMHAT
Thatís more like it. You should meet Gilgamesh, youíd like him. Except for the part where he acts like an idiot and sleeps with all the virgins.

ENKIDU
Iíll challenge him! Iím strongest!

SHAMHAT
Whatever, I think Gilgamesh is stronger. Heíll dream about us coming you know.

Back in URUK GILGAMESH starts to have strange dreams. He gets up and tells his Mother, NINSUN.

GILGAMESH
Hey, Mom. I dreamt that this big rock fell from the sky and I couldnít pick it up but couldnít. I loved it like I would love a woman.

NINSUN
That might be a little too much information. This rock that you love is a friend that the gods have made for you.

GILGAMESH
So the gods want me to love men instead of women?

NINSUN
Something like that. You will love him as a woman and he will never forsake you. Thatís what your dream means. Itís a good dream.

GILGAMESH
The gods want me to be gay?

NINSUN
Thatís about the size of it, son.

GILGAMESH
Ok, so I had this other dream. I dreamt about an axe. I was drawn to it and I loved it like a woman so I had it always at my side.

NINSUN
More of the same, my boy. That axe is the comrade that I made for you. Heíll be by your side always and never betray you.

GILGAMESH
Ok, if you say so, Mom. Do the Gods know that all this slash will give me my own section on FanFiction.net?

NINSUN
Classic epic my boy, the fangirls will never touch it.

GILGAMESH
Oh, well thatís ok then. Canít wait to meet him!