Iím going to tell you all about Gilgamesh. He was a great king,
gods loved him, he built this great city here, and he did all
kinds of great stuff. Man he was great. Well, I suppose I should
mention that he started out a really nasty guy.
Bring me the virgins so that I may lay with them! Noble ladies
or otherwise, I want them all!
The PEOPLE cried out to the GODS.
The king sucks!
Hey, Arunru, you started this, you fix it. Make someone to
be his equal.
And so the Goddess ARUNRU created ENKIDU.
Got you covered.
ENKIDU wanders around with the ANIMALS scaring the crap out of
a famous TRAPPER.
Ok, kiddo, go out there into the wild and be like the animals.
Gilgamesh is sure to hear about a wild man.
So, Dad, I was out trapping game when I saw this man. He fills
in my pits and tears up my traps! Iím too scared to go near
him. Got any advice?
No oneís stronger than Gilgamesh. Go find him. Oh, and get
The TRAPPER goes and finds GILGAMESH.
Whatever, Dad, you pervert.
Thereís this wild man who fills in my traps. I bet heís even
stronger than you!
Well, we can fix that. Here, take a harlot, Shamhat. Once
they get down and dirty, the wild beasts will run from him
The TRAPPER and SHAMHAT journey for three days and then wait around
three days for ENKIDU to show up.
Huh, guess Dad was right.
There he is! Iíll leave you two to go at it. Have fun.
ENKIDU and SHAMHAT get down and dirty for SIX DAYS and SEVEN NIGHTS.
Men, theyíre all the same. Anyway, come here big boy; let
me teach you about the worldís oldest profession.
Oh, I like a man who can go the distance. Stay around and
we can talk.
Well, it was great, got to get back to running with the gazelles
The ANIMALS no longer accept ENKIDU as one of their own and ENKIDU,
for some reason, can no longer run fast enough to keep up with
AHHH! You smell like human!
Ok then. Guess Iíll sit around and hear what you have to say.
Thatís more like it. You should meet Gilgamesh, youíd like
him. Except for the part where he acts like an idiot and sleeps
with all the virgins.
Iíll challenge him! Iím strongest!
Back in URUK GILGAMESH starts to have strange dreams. He gets
up and tells his Mother, NINSUN.
Whatever, I think Gilgamesh is stronger. Heíll dream about
us coming you know.
Hey, Mom. I dreamt that this big rock fell from the sky and
I couldnít pick it up but couldnít. I loved it like I would
love a woman.
That might be a little too much information. This rock that
you love is a friend that the gods have made for you.
So the gods want me to love men instead of women?
Something like that. You will love him as a woman and he will
never forsake you. Thatís what your dream means. Itís a good
The gods want me to be gay?
Thatís about the size of it, son.
Ok, so I had this other dream. I dreamt about an axe. I was
drawn to it and I loved it like a woman so I had it always
at my side.
More of the same, my boy. That axe is the comrade that I made
for you. Heíll be by your side always and never betray you.
Ok, if you say so, Mom. Do the Gods know that all this slash
will give me my own section on FanFiction.net?
Classic epic my boy, the fangirls will never touch it.
Oh, well thatís ok then. Canít wait to meet him!