The Epic of Gilgamesh: Tablet 5, Gilgamesh and Enkidu throw down.

GILGAMESH and ENKIDU stand at the FORESTíS edge.

GILGAMESH
Wow, thatís some kind of Forest there.

ENKIDU
Now you know why it has a capital F.

THEY start cutting down trees and HUMBABA comes out to see what all the noise is.

HUMBABA
Whatís all the racket? Hey, I thought I told you kids to get off my lawn!

ENKIDU
Hah! You canít threaten us! The two of us can take you!

GILGAMESH
Dude, that was my line.

HUMBABA
Gilgy, old friend. The Gil-miester! You arenít going let this nobody tell you what to do, are you?

GILGAMESH
Iím supposed to love him like a womanÖ

ENKIDU
Can we get off of that already? The epic has homosexual overtones, we get it, letís move on!

HUMBABA
Why, I ought to feed your flesh to the screaming vultures, the eagle, and the vulture!

ENKIDU
So, screaming vultures and vultures are two different birds then?

GILGAMESH is frightened by this and runs and hides.

GILGAMESH
He has a scary face!

ENKIDU
Dude, why are you hiding, werenít you just telling me to be brave? Iím sure Shamash will help us!

And so GILGAMESH and ENKIDU fight HUMBABA. It is, of course, an epic fight, which means it took a LONG TIME. SHAMASH gets impatient.

SHAMASH
Oh, come on, you two canít do a thing on your own can you? Fine, Iíll send thirteen winds.

ENKIDU
Thirteen?

SHAMASH
Yes. Southwind, Northwind, Eastwind, Westwind, Whistling Wind, Piercing Wind, Blizzard, Bad Wind, Wind of Simurru, Demon Wind, Ice Wind, Storm, and Sandstorm.

ENKIDU
Iím fairly sure some of those are the same thing.

SHAMASH
Shush!

The THIRTEEN WINDS trap HAMBABA and GILGMASH gets ready to kill him.

HAMBABA
Please donít kill me! Iíll be your servant! Iíll cut down the trees for you!

ENKIDU
Donít listen to him! HAMBABA Shut up, Enkidu! I shouldíve fed your fleshÖ

ENKIDU
Thatís enough repetition for one Tablet, thank you.

HAMBABA
Tell Gilgamesh to spare my life!

ENKIDU
Kill him or the Gods will be pissed.

HAMBABA makes one final bid for freedom, which of course fails. Seeing he is going to die, like all good epic villains, he utters a CURSE.

HAMBABA
May Enkidu not live the longer of the two of you!

ENKIDU
Umm, Gilgamesh, what are you waiting for? Kill him!

GILGAMESH
Sorry, thought he should have his last words. Theyíll probably be important later.

GILGAMESH kills HAMBABA and like a good epic hero, cuts off his HEAD. THEY then proceed to cut down some trees, including the GREAT CEDAR.

ENKIDU
This will make a great door for the Temple.

GILGAMESH
Sounds good. Let's get going, I'll just hold this bloody head aloft.

ENKIDU
Wierdo.

THEY set sail for HOME.