Shelly: Plato. It's all
about Plato, isn't it.
Jemma: And eating it when you were six years old!
Clinging to reality as much as possible, unwilling to let go of the fact:
a mature Rincewind, it rolls off the tongue.
-Shelly's having trouble again
Nick: It made me so angry that now I'm gonna go home and fuck John in the
John: So sit at any other table you like!!!
Hey, no fair, I was just struck by astral celestial lightning that was
meant for you!
My womb is a hotbed of goulash.
I'll forsake my orange. But still have my legs and my soul!
Life is always simpler when you're chained to a wall.
You guys shouldn't leave me alone with a library. It's just not right.
Socrates: Red is a color, right?
Socrates: Blue is a color, right?
Socrates: Therefore, what you just said about the deep inner meaning of love is wrong.
Shelly: What crack are you smoking, you stupid fuck!
-Shelly will never be a philosopher
Shelly: I need to get a new tip for my cane.
John: Yeah, one with a wider barrel.
-John was using the cane for a bazooka
You can put a turd in a Snickers wrapper and it will taste a little nutty,
but it will not be a Snickers bar.
-John with another nugget of joy.
And I swear my life doesn't revolve around the bed, but...
I don't remember seeing unicorn scrotums.
Shelly does not slash anything shorter than she is!
-Shelly on Shotacon
My shoulder gently, tenderly glomps your breast.
They were like slingshotting your little brother into a wall: not a good
idea, probably wrong, but a lot of fun.
-John on watching the Rush-hour movies
Are trying to make me shove my chapstick up my butt?
My center is a comphy smug ball of pun.
Shelly: Hi Mom, I pierced by Libya.
John: You pierced that poor little country?
...but if you publish a book with your name Michelle Ann
blahblahblahblahblah fuckin' Fleming; I will not make it past the first 15 pages without
-John likes "Shelly"
You get too many people together...they start having wild parties and
pretty soon the king is beheaded.
-Brad on Revolution
It's not necessarily hell, but it'll help you believe.
-John on London
Jemma, every plant has five leaves where I come from, they're just all on
-Shelly's from the city
It's not this surrender...this passion...it's about what are doing on
Well it depends on whether you're God.
When he pulls it out he becomes powerful and he takes his clothes off.
It's the supersized Oedipal complex, It's the extra value meal of
Cassie: You're the one with the Manifesto.
Paul: Yeah, but it's about Cheeseburgers.
And of course Socrates always gets the boy in the end.
And that's why all of this philosophical gymnastics.
When you really start to deconstruct Greek Philosophy you start to realize
that these guys are from outer space.
But the carrot is in your heart.
There are plenty of carrots in the sea.
You go to lunch, you have your raw carrot, appetite to object good, proper
and appropriate. Crunch. Joy.
There's so much stuff in here and its so hard to interrupt you can just
make it up.
The artist ponders the asthetics of her porn.
I assume that the words "Fuck me, Nick," somehow seems to imply
Yeah but if you're cut in half, which half does it flash in front of?!
-Jemma on Shelly's life flashing in front of her eyes
The Han imagrated from the North, up there, behind the TV.
Yes. Because I am politcally correct, I will be juicier and taste even
better, because my juice will be pure and untainted by injustice.
-Bev on an orange sporting a "War is Terroism" pin
You're hurting her boobs now? I thought I was the only boobs you would
...Another reacharactering occurrence.
Yes you did! You put the napkin on the Hulk!
I have 23 cans of Mountain Dew, a PS2 and a comphy chair!! Who's gonna
Jemma: That was a hiccup!? It sounded like the mating call of a dying
Jemma: Space Otter?
I've got boobs and I didn't come equiped with an AC and a DC.
I have nothing against bread, I just don't want to drink a loaf of it.
-Cassie on Guiness
If you kick me, do I not scowl?
Disturbed now, getting cookie!
When it comes to my homosexual relationships, I'm a slut. Bong!
Cassie, the Anti-Glomp.
Oh that was great! Jemma - "Loot at the pretty flowers!" Cassie
- "They're going to die!"
Nick: If you do anything to the moon I will see that the rest of my life
is devoted to your suffering!
Cassie: I'm down with the moon, the moon and I are homies!
There is a rather elaborate battle going on for the glompership of my
I designed my website with Notepad. I don't need l33t speak to know I'm
I just received friendly fire from a chocolate bar. Oh damn and I just
The thing is; I'm here to corrupt your mind, but sometimes I corrupt your
He can clean the cum of a gay man from the pillows and mirrors of my home!
What better torture for a white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
-Shelly on Bush
Mariah: This play is wonderful, you're gonna love it. This woman is
cynical, she's twisted, she's a bitch, and then she kills herself.
Nick: So basically, it's Sylvia Plath's biography?
It's an emergency glomp.
My toe is like: "Oh my God! I'm all by myself!"
You need someone to be honest with you in your life, besides your mom.
Did anyone find that interesting? ... Did anyone find it?
That's because you two are one amorphous entity. It's not even
Jemma-and-Shelly, it's like Shellijemma! Shellijemma Flemingmayer.
You guys are basically emotionally fussed on the synaptic level.
Sarah: Do the Newsies end up unionizing?
Sally: They end up singing as I recall.
Arnold Schwartzeneger really is a cream puff.
Why don't we keep upping the stakes? How many children do we want to
This promiscuous confessing.
How do you prove you love yourself? Do you buy yourself a Playstation?
Haha. You think I'm mad, don't you?
All this class and reading have done is to show you what a mess things
I give God blowjobs.
You can tell which god Shelly worships: He's the one with the smile on his
Nick: You give God blowjobs? I'm your god! Why haven't I received any of
Shelly: You're Esahme's God. Esahme will give you a blowjob. I'll go get her character
sheet, don't get any paper cuts.
So, if you give God blowjobs, does that mean that you're in possession of
My whole life has been God spanking me, okay?
So, are they burning Fels down, or...?
-Nick right after announcement of large Campus Clean-up Day
I have to have incentive to be a bunny.
Although, the cucumbers of my childhood did not spit golden goo.
I'm not giving up on eternal damnation for a humidifier!
If it's brown, wet, and bubbly, I don't care.
-Paul on beer
So that's Hume. He never married, but in his autobiographical notes he
says that he enjoys the company of modest women ...or..wait... that modest women enjoy his
company? Or something like that.
A contractual agreement for the use of each other's genitals.
There is no ought for the zebra.
It's spiritual masturbation.
Artist "grr!" Character- "Nyaah!"
So what's the difference between an omelet and a person? It's
fluffy, its cheesy...well so are people but not too many people come with mushrooms.
It's a vortex of tasty goodness.
-John on his bag of chips
I always thought it was kind of disturbing that you were eating candy out
of someone else's mouth.
-Vanessa on Pez
I am vengeance and wrath with a lisp.
I don't care how pagan you are, your Goddess appearing to you as big-ass
kiwi will mess you up.
No, the money clip is just for rich people to say. "Look, I'm so
rich, I can hold my money together with my money!
Wise and powerful? No, he looks lost in his wig!
-Jemma on Merlin Ken
You are a lovely young woman, but if Nick was trying to sneak into your
bed at night it would be because there was a Neverwinter Nights expansions pack under your
It's like watching a pelican falling love with a killer whale.
Jemma: See, even he's eating a sandwich.
John: I was - the day has sucked the flavor out of the peanut butter.
-It's a bad day
It's obvious that little boys want to have sex with their mothers, moving
-Jeremy on Freud
It's death or marriage and it's basically the same thing.
Or else we'd be like zebras. We'd all just eat and fuck.
Part of my job is to line up the little duckies.
Jemma: Paul Voice is a kitten.
Shelly: With big philosophical fangs!!
Bev: Philosophy and Portuguese cock.
John: Philosophy and he needs cock?
There's so many fun words in here, like "weird shit",
"octopus"..."spawn"! Spawn of a three legged octopus!
Here, Mr. Squirrel! Have some Cyanide! It tastes like bananas.
All right, I'm getting up, and I'm going. ... Don't rush me.
There's something wrong in the world when saving the world starts to look
more and more like the Kama Sutra.
He smells Lilies of the Valley and it smells like a rotting woodchuck or
Just the way he's always near swooning from the intensity of his passion.
-Chris on Romance poems
Chris: That's like the highest compliment you can pay an Elizabethan
Student: It's like rough sex?!
Whatever there's a dirty meaning in John Donne, you're right to guess it.
He was a very healthy boy.
A lot of writing is like sex with an optometrist. Do you like it better
this way or this way?
Rhyme, meter, etc, are chopped meat to occupy the watchdogs of the left
brain so that the poet can sneak into the house and not TAKE the silver, but LEAVE it.
Teaching great poetry is like having a class in sunsets.
The worst that can happen is that you're wrong, in which case, as I used
promise my children, I'll pound you into the ground like a tent peg.
Waiting for a metaphor is catching a bus in Greece, if you're in a real
hurry you can call a simile and it will take you right there.
One of the teachers of my acquaintance once remarked of a smart-ass
student, "A spark of genius - water it!"
There's more to life than mitochondria's, that's what I keep saying. And
people say, "What an odd thing for him to keep saying."
Student: How's the other class going?
David: It's like teaching pigs to sing. You're wasting your time and annoying the pigs.
-On a "Writing Boot Camp" class
Grief counselors tell people how to feel. Before they just felt sad. Now
they feel sad and guilty.
Having painted herself into a corner, she did the only thing she could do.
She flapped her arms very hard and flew.
Writing a pastoral is like catching an alligator with a telescope, a
matchbox and some tweezers. You look at the alligator through the wrong end of the
telescope, grab it with the tweezers and very quickly, before the alligator bites you, you
stick in the matchbox and close the lid.
England, an entire country as a casino!
Student: How many languages do you speak?
David: One, barely.
He usually starts out unapproachable, and progresses to cranky and
As they say in the herring business, I am not my brother's kipper.
The great thing about being a king is, you never have to touch a doorknob.
I find this very soothing somehow.
I remember most of the French Kings in order, I just forget when they
happen. Phillip, Louie, Louie, Phillip, Louie, Louie, Phillip, Louie, Louie,
Charles. That's about 150 years of French Kings right there.
I think all Christians are slightly puzzled by you know, one, three,
there's a difference.
How many Olaies are there to get oils from?
Leave thy foolish ranges. This is something you say to the Marlboro man to
get him to stop smoking before he dies of cancer and his horse does too.
Poems should be better than the footnote and better than the epigraph.
When I'm really bored I sit around and say 'wasps sting'. It's very
entertaining because you have to say so many different 's's.
The way to read Richard Crashaw is to understand that this guy hasn't got
all his oars in the water, but the way he makes the canoe go in spirals is rather
The other thing that's entertaining is to sit around and say 'Toyota
Tacoma' five or six times. It's just soothing.
I will tell you this adjective, so you can drop it at parties and people
will think, "What an extraordinarily cultured young person."
What we have here is torture that's cute.
Women don't sweat, they glow, but she was glowing a lot.
There's a whole lot of depression still around, I mean less than
psychotic, there are some people who just kind of mope for 20 years.
Children can be, for up to 30-40 seconds at a time, rather fetching.
A garden is nature that has been fussed with. Nature that has been
subjected to an idea.
...The mythology...which is what we call any religions that we don't agree
Why do these people - 'Slavitt is coming. We must send him to a dean's
office. We must harry and annoy him.' In a former life I must have annoyed some beggar,
committed some relatively minor sin, and now I'm paying for it by being sent to deans'
I don't want crocodiles weeping over me, except that 'Damn, he got away.'
At my age, I have discovered that there ARE no grownups. There's no such
creature! There's just creaky children.
Yeah, I have two of them, one is eighty and one is eighty-four, but
they're both going on two.
-Shelly's mom on creaky children
You know your marriage is working when you run out of bayleaves or
something like that - I mean it only happens every two years. And if you run out off
turmeric, you're probably on your fifth or tenth anniversary.
You ever been in an arboretum where all the trees are labeled? And of
course there's all the labels in Latin... You know what I want, I want them to have the
labels that just say, 'Tree'. 'Bush'. A little arrow pointing up with 'Sky'.
I'm a member of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
-The ASPCT, David?
...and I invite you to consider this: if you're on a synchronized swimming
team, and everyone drowns, can you keep going?
You all know what carpe diem is. It's the day we have fish.
Don't shake your mitered locks and stern bespeak at me, young woman!
...full frontal nudity. And sidal and backal, which you don't hear so much
Stephen Sandy is not the type of guy who would SINCERELY have a flamingo
in his yard.
What can you do in a society when we're, you know, we're beyond chia pets.
One muffin to rule them all, one muffin to find them?! One muffin to bring
them all and in the darkness...
I don't wanna know why they're talking about bondage muffins.
I'm not a freak, I just impersonate orcs really well.
The lifted arc of Jemma's eyebrow tells me I just got quoted in the wrong
Nick: This is like... Aragorn/Sauron slash.
Hannah: Nice image! Deleted!
I stapled my thumb once, it was very irksome.
On the Cape, whenever it rains, people go out to buy baskets of rose hip
jelly. I don't quite understand why this happens, but it does.
Chae: What? Are you playing Lacrosse.
Shelly: Yes, we're playing Lacrosse with the cold, someone's going to end up with a broken
Strongbad is like a the collected works of Shakespeare, but I don't think
Strongbad ever did anything as bad as Macbeth.
So Shakespeare invented Mary Kate and Ashley?
-John on 12th Night
I guess there's no armor class big enough to protect against a glomp.
God's girlfriend melts into a little puddle at his feet.
You just ownzored my sock, the least you can do is let me grab your butt.
Can we get the discussion out of my crotch, please?
-Nick, no we can't
Just because it's the end of term doesn't mean you can make
consequenceless passes at me!
Your big fat Portuguese woman cock?!
-Nick, Shelly said a funny thing
You can carry a wooden spoon with your cock?! That's okay, I can carry
STDs with mine...oh wait...
My Portuguese woman cock is prehensile, yes.
-Shelly, now there's a scary thought
Just put it on my Karma card.
-Cassie on shopping in the Astral Plane
There's something in the cereal that causes all this fertility. Lord
Where you learn things, be one with the frogs.
-John on the Muppets and Sesame Street
What lesson did I learn? It doesn't pay to be too timely.
Dead Revolutionary finger painting.
Email me of you're ever behind a plow.
Graar, AOL is 3v1l. No way. AOL isn't cool enough to be 3v1l. It's just
P33r the wrath of my pants!
Satan's got your flaccid penis? It's flaccid, it's erect, it's flaccid,
it's erect, either way Satan's got it!
-Jemma with hand motions
That's it. You know, your nose imploded; we can't be friends anymore.
Whoo, it's getting hot in here, someone's got pants on!
Shelly: I'm just not cut out to be a hermit.
Chae: That's right! Because a hermit is a cookie!
Fuck philosophy, just be five.
That's the danger of being around you, Shelly.
-Bev, on quoting
Now Hannah can give Shanti some, because I'm not sticking my finger in
Goats have pretty good attention spans, especially when they're eating
Ph33r my l33t n1nj4 r3sum3 sk1llz!
Peggy: Val Kilmar that's under the river that's freezing cold for like
nine minutes and when he finally comes up he goes PWAH...ah...hah... And your going: Yeah
right, your heart rate's slowed down, because you were almost frozen!
Hannah: ............It could happen!
Liz Coleman is a pokemon, all she says is community.
"Commune...Commune...CommunITYYY!!" And her attack will be the
Administrative Red Tape of Doom.
We're using the fruity artist sense of the world rather than the real
meaning. Basically we're ruining the English language, that's what we do here at
Those things are really cool. We live though them, we interact with
them...we kill their populace.
-John on video games
I want life to stop looking like a suspense anime.
Fish and Horseshoe crabs...we have our own buffet.
-Shelly on code words
If someone was walking around in my head right now and they stepped on
something, they'd look down and be like, "Um, what is this?" And I'd be like,
"Sawdust." And they'd be like, "Since when is sawdust small, chunky, and
shaped like little pink elephants?" And I'd be like, "Since I'm sanding down my
Your two sitting actions are sitting with your knees together and your
feet apart, or sitting with both legs to one side. It is XTREME SITTING.
-Max on PSO
I have just significantly bruised my armpit.
Vita: I see. Needs tastefulness. Tastefulness missing.
Chae: Please install.
Josh: Drive Error.
-on La Blue Girl of all things
She's nice? For an alien?
Yeah, he caught me under my jaw. That was a good one. I smiled and then I
punched him in the ribs.
The first woman who saw me was the lesbian who pulled me out of my
Hey, God? Cleanup on aisle five.
Shelly: I've met God, I don't want to fight him.
Suzanne: Oh, no. It's not one of ours.
Nothing says sexy like a man with a veiny neck.
I'll probably see him, turn bright red and mutter:
"Thanksforhelpingwiththesoupohlookatthetimegottarun BYE!" and hide somewhere
safe...safe from the scary philosophical Chinese noodle soup recipe.
Whitey was cool. Whitey liked to bite Crissy. I liked Whitey.
And even then, you don't really need to worry until you get into the fully
consensual Sauron/Aragorn slash, the Christmas episode, where they're bickering over what
to get Legolas. With Sauron in a frilly pink apron.