Cass: I'm all sunshine and
rainbows, it's just the rainbows are made out of red, black and purple.
Bev: Like a bruise!
Cass: Machiavellian Long Table strategies.
Max: Does that mean that John is a prince?
Cass: Yes. John IS Machiavelli.
It looks more like a Jim Henson set than a meal...
To: Student. From: Financial Aid office. Subject: Bend over.
I love her and I care, but she needs to move on and get new sex.
-Dana on a friend who should break up
Cass: Satan drives a Dodge Spirit.
John: A Toyota Soul Collector!
That's right! It's a new term! Which means we start anew, with... newness.
Dick Cheney IS Scrappy Doo!
Your singing sounds more like a pack of demented Sea Lions...
One should never see the hind end of a lasagna.
Cassie: Someone said I look good in this hat and now I don't want to wear
Cassie: The whole point is not to be stylish.
Max: You're in BENNINGTON! BEN-ING-TON! You could be wearing a...a..net...rotting octupus
and people would be like: "Oh my God!! Can I have your autograph!? You're a Fashion
I rest my case!
Cass: Consider it rested, but Im not tucking it in!
Nick needs to come back. Im quoting way too much this term because
hes not here!
Dana: So what do superheroes taste like, John?
Dana: Oh. Id have expected sweat and kryptonite.
Youre big, and youre hairy, and youre sweaty and
youre stupid! But if you wore Spandex itd be funny!
-John on Fight Club vs. Wrestling
My friend said that he heard a rumor that they were gonna make a Lord of
the Rings car racing game like Mario Kart. All I could think of for like 5 minutes
was Gandalf going ahead of everyone and screaming "You Shall Not Pass!"
Im afraid Im gonna forget what you look like without the
bandanna, and then youre gonna take it off one day and Im not gonna recognize
If mysterious Japanese songs showed up on your harddrive, would you
automatically listen to them? They might summon Cthulhu or tentacle monsters or something!
Never ever get involved with sprites. Nothing but heartache and
So I held the bunny today, and just marveled and rejoiced in the fact that
he wasnt a tarantula.
You have the heart chakra, I have the belly chakra. It means that in my
next life I will be a piece of chocolate. It will be a short, but satisfying life.
-Penn, the ancient habit of blaming pregnancies on incubi
I wanna see Brad Pitt and the Hulk stuffed into a big hobbyhorse, and
wheeled into Priams hometown.
A Valkyrie with the Horn of Gondor, yes.
-Shelly on Georgian yodeling
Its ideologically inconsistent for you to be both awesome, and
Shelly is the ruiner of worlds.
Isnt Shoujo a hairstylist with a lisp?
Jemma: Aw, no Talic?
John: Hes like 8 billion Shelly!
Shelly has become a number, which apparently
comes after 8 billion.
You dont want to see most white people bald. There is whiteness to
down fighter planes lying beneath Americas hairlines.
If I was only allowed to have one problem with Spiderman, it was that they
dressed the Green Goblin up like the lost Power Ranger.
Jemma: Its good having tentacles! I could grab that girls
waterbottle over there!
John: And sodomize it.
Yes! I like pro-wrestling! Big, sweaty men in Spandex underwear do
disgusting things to each other in public, and I dont have to suffer the
embarrassment of an erection in public! Im heterosexual, and I love wrestling!
(offers hand to invisible person with huge, beaming grin) Damn glad to meet you!
I challenge, I openly challenge Jon Irving to have ten druids follow him
around singing Gregorian chants while he reads. This is for the concept of Imaginary
Girlfriend, which I wrote first!
Shelly called on ME for lightening! There across the street was a car! Who
but JohnZeus would do something like that?
I am the apprentice quotemonger. I dream of someday having my own pen.
I dislike what you say, so Im gonna launch rice at my left hand!
To make me say "Gravity, insane!" youd have to make me
hover over a field covered with hashish that was on fire!