If I were a diehard Trekkie, I'm sure I would have a dildo in the shape of Jean-Luc Picard.
    -Shelly

Nick: A melon for ecstacy?
John: It makes a funnier noise when you kick it out of bed.
Nick: And it doesn't want to cuddle afterward.

I need melted butter... Stop right there!
    -Shelly

If you could get lace on a jellyfish, that'd be him.
    -Shelly on Black Arrow

Chronic bangs. They're there, and they never go away.
-BlackArrow on Monkey

Chae: Just the shape of his fashe.
BlackArrow: Fashe?
Chae: ...Yesh.

You're like Edgar Allen Poe with a wand!
    -John to Harry Potter

You have a hammer in your backpack! I know you do! Get away from me!
    -Cassie to the scary Norse-lookin guys

I have intimate knowledge of what it's like to be in an orgy, without ever taking off my clothes.
    -Cassie went to a heavy metal concert

It's like, the adventure of moving it without breaking it, but there's no Legend of Zelda reset button thingy!
    -John had to move Cassie's fragile stuff piled on top of his boxes

Fake Smut Girl. Her nemesis is Dr. Innuendo, but the problem is that every time he shows up at the door without his shirt on she gets distracted and has to leave again, so they never really get down to their epic battle thing.
    -Cassie's superhero name

Raid is the Slayer? Raid is the Chosen One per century?
    -Cassie

It's the way of the corn. The corn is good.
    -Chae

Jemma: So, are you saying once you understand something, it's automatically funny?
John: I'm thinkin, yeah! ... I understand cystic fibrosis! Ha ha ha!

Jemma: You know your liver's dead, right?
John: I'm Irish, I don't have a liver!

Sorting out the diamond from the chaff.
    -Anna, sorting while mixing metaphors

I'm not a pressure cooker! You can't make chilli in here!
    -Shelly

Jemma: Stop sign? What stop sign?
Mike: I saw a go-fucking-past-me sign!

My name is Padawan Rue! That doesn't exactly strike fear into the hearts of fuzzy bunnies!
    -Anna

I don't believe I just saw a grown woman stuff a banana down her shirt.
    -Jemma

These cards want to boogy! They want to get down with their inner cardboard!
    -Shelly

I'm going to eat you and your kitty!
    -Toby as Witch-King

We have unrequited lids.
    -Betsy

Get your pink fuzzy amoebaness out of my face.
    -Jemma

I'm only reading it until I find out how not to!
    -Nick

If you don't have a grain of salt to take that with, I can give you one.
    -Betsy

I'm only here until I get directions on how to get away…
    -Nick

Oh the times I wish I could manifest. It would be much better than seeing Shelly sprawling all over your floor. Because I don't wear clothes!
    -BlackArrow

Your breasts are lying.
    -Charlie doesn't believe Andrea's "Never been kissed" shirt

Morning starts at noon. Anything else is just "fucking early".
    -Leslie

Slavery's bad, wow! He's really up to date for the 1860s!
    -Alex on Bush

I'm like an embittered valley girl!
    -Leslie

You seem to have commandeered your sister's balls.
    -Mike

You're going to find J'ie, or you're going to get an industrial strength cod-piece.
    -Winfield

I think it's about phalluses, lots of phalluses... People who are like, I only have one - I want twenty!
    -Mike on tentacle porn

The quality of your suckitude is amazing.
    -Ben

Jemma: Are you ready?
Chae: No, I have to make it stop being blue.

I love those plurals that are contained within the word! They're just my favorite things in the world!
-April

Jess: My brother's car developed a deathly allergy to the state his girlfriend lived in.
Jemma: There's a nuked relationship.
Jess: Well, since his girlfriend is now his wife, it was the relationship with the car that had to go.
Jemma: Was she worth it?
Jess: Oh yeah, she was a good little car...
Jemma: No no, I meant the girlfriend.

Why do I see about 20 pairs of eyes sliding away from me?
-Margaret

Margaret: Why are you all sitting here in the dark? (flips the light on, class winces)
Zoe: We like the dark, it reminds us of sleeping.

Margaret: Can I borrow your copy, Jemma? I've lost mine -
Student: Yes, you gave it to me! But then I gave it to Zoe -
Zoe: And I've written all over it!
Margaret: And we're back to you, Jemma.

A friend of mine came up with the greatest opening scene for a movie ever. Beautiful women in chastity belts, waving goodbye to their husbands, the knights in shining armor going off to the Crusades. Cut to: Cary Grant, the village locksmith.
-Stephen Bach

She's checking out the parascope before they go to the submarine races.
    -Anne

Syllabi. Syllabuses. Syllabuckubi.
    -Cassie

Erin: (nodding at some people passing by) Geeks.
Shelly: Oh... Aren't we geeks?
Erin: No, we're Nerds.

I am thoroughly hooked, and if you say a word after this denegrating your writing skills   I will... I will paint your armor, sword and sheild lilac and orange plaid!
    -Jemma

We need a messiah. But we don't want charisma. We want him to look confused and stupid all the time. Get Bill! Is Ted busy?
    -John

I'm like, what does my past have to do with my future?
    -Megan doesn't like plan-writing

He's not the son of Zeus, he doesn't have to go out and bodybuild!
    -John

My battlecry is Meep. I'm comfortable with that.
    -Cassie

Max: And what about this crossdressing?
John: Moses had a robe, Jesus had a robe, Hercules had a robe - you're burnin a lot of bridges here.
Tristram: Is crossdressing a sin?
John: Is your reverend Jerry Fallwell? In which case, yes

And frankly, if a priest goes and enjoys himself with 500-yr-old porn, it's not an alter-boy; it's fine by me.
    -Cassie

God said, Thou shalt run the seven-minute mile. You're fucked, Jerry!
    -John wants to talk to Jerry Fallwell

It's not so much a chastity belt as a chastity bikini.
    -Shelly

I've seen the Virgin Mary more than twelve times now.  Many more than twelve times. I just felt like going with the apostles on that one.
    -John

Megan: If you pinch my cheeks, I'm gonna kill you!
Bev: See, she is grouchy!

Max: The Coke is seltzer, the pink lemonade is water! And the iced tea is unsweetened. If this isn't Root Beer, I'm going to slay someone.
Bev: Waitaminute. A clear, scary-looking liquid came out of the Coke dispenser and you drank it?!

Every time I'm not sick enough, you're right there to back me up, Bev! You're the best! And by the best I mean the worst! And by the worst I mean holy fuck you sick bastard!
    -Nick

Forget the torrid hot sex, this is all about, You took my keys, dammit!
    -Jemma

As usual your right hand gives your dick a hand.
    -John

Every time I think I've got it down, you go and lengthen it!
    -Jemma

Bev: But the passion died when the adultery left the picture.
Ness to Megan: I think you should marry him again.

Jemma: I was about to say, Nick, you're just trying to give my hand cramps, aren't you, and then I realized that that would be a bad idea.
Nick: I don't want to think about how I'm giving your hand cramps.

Go corrupt yourself, don't ask me to do it for you.
    -Ness

Reality has only an occasional visit into dreams. It has like vacation homes there, but it never goes, because it always gets floods, and it'd have to call the plumber, and get the windows fixed...
    -Bev

Nick: If Bev sucked my dick every time I told her to suck a dick, I'd fail every class I have, because I'd never be able to go!
Bev: That's expecting a lot of me!

If Bev sucked my... ah-hah.. every time I told her to.. m-hm, I'd fail every class I have...
    -Megan (reading the above quote out loud)

I like my clothes! I don't want them to explode!
    -Max

It was a nerve commiting honorable suicide.
    -Max

Your hand was that big?! Like, in the womb! Got a little clip-on light - Gotta get this down! You wouldn't believe what Dad said!
    -John

I have to go. I'd love to stay and pick apart Shakespeare some more, and I'd love to stay and pick apart Shakespeare in complete sentences, but I have to go!
    -Cassie

That's why you should worship the invincible Jell-O. It never lies. Except for the mystery flavor.
    -John

Whoa! Nothing perks you up better than adrenaline! Sudden panic, better than coffee!
    -Cassie

It was like a psychological vasectomy.
    -Zubin

Ness: There's these two vampires who've been dancing around each other for like fifty years...
John: The endless waltz!

Ness: Right now, my body's telling me, Now would be a good time to have kids!  And I'm telling it, What, are you nuts?! I have things to do!
Zubin: You tell that uterus.

I'm from the Vermont of Iran. The quiet mountain parts where people don't say anything.
    -Zubin

I wouldn't mind so much if it was really a vampire bite, because vampire bites don't itch!   Unless there's a whole part of folklore that we don't know about, and the next morning after the orgasmic vampire bite you wake up and you're like Holy hell! Itch itch itch itch itch!
    -Cassie

If flames are illegal, they should ship Monkey out.
    -Cori

The great stud-muffin Monkey King
    -Cassie

You'd think he wouldn't be able to pay attention considering what else he's doing but nooooo - the great monkey king can multitask!!
    -Jemma (busy soundproofing her chest so she doesn't hear Monkey and the Horse)

Eat! Eat! You're so thin! Okay, well, you don't really have a body, and you're three times my size, but that doesn't matter! Take an apple with you. And some cake.
    -Cassie

What with him fellating chocolate in my body...
    -Jemma on Monkey

Pagans who don't care pool.
    -Kevin

Shelly: I've got a sword, and I will play Poke-the-Suzanne.
Suzanne: Oh God No! No anal invasions!
Vinny: You can borrow mine, it does tricks.

But Suzanne's current mood would change it from one of those dark black cataclysmic black holes to a fuzzy pink one. But the end of the world, is the end of the world.
    -Vinny

A ship with two Vikings on it. Two screaming girly Vikings.
    -Kevin

She's a chibi in lingerie.
    -Shelly

My body is my temple and I'll decorate it how I want it goddamnit! So if you've got contacts does that count as the stainglass windows?
    -Bev

If I had any of the costumes from that movie I would marry myself.
    -Bev

It's like people equate the notion of peace with George Bush evaporating. They're synonymous.
    - Nick

Max: Bev, you're about to go from Grand Pizza Master to Joke Slayer.
Bev: (considers) I've still got another paragraph or so to go before I kill it!

Give the rabbit the fuckin' cereal! If that's the one thing that'll make him happy then give it to him, you evil fucks! He's been tryin' to get it for 40 years, it's not like it's that expensive!
    - Bev, on the poor Trix rabbit

Nessa: I need a rubby back. A back...oh no...
Bev: A back rub?
Nessa: Yes!

Uh...the chair is making love to my knee?
    - Nessa

Speaking of pelvic thrusts, what are you having for dessert tonight?
    - Cassie

Sure, I cast level 8 eroticism, ooooh.
    - Cassie

I didn't know it was possible for a human tongue to be that flexible...
    - Cassie, on Monkey eating chocolate.

Because Germany must be freed from the tyranny of zombie Nazism.
    - John

An all girl orgy filmed by fluffers, just for the fuck of it. I don't think we need 19 fluffers - 20, 12, 22, Fels.
    - John

The walls have AIDS. Beware the glory hole.
    - John

Max: John, you're sitting in a pool of wrong!
John: A Pool of wrong that smells like Fels.

Bev: Especially since it looks like he's walking on a dead fish.
John: Spongebob Squarepants is riding the corpse of his fish brethren.

Jemma: Ground, Cassie, ground. That's the ground, in case you've lost track.
Cassie: And it's resting on the back of a giant turtle!

Just don't hit on me, and your penis won't be cut off.
    - Shelly

It's buggy as Fels.
    - Nick, on his game.

I had one sparkle of carbonated, sugary hope. And Max squashed it!
    - John

There are crumbs in my astrolabe!
    - Cassie

Kumquat, Shelly? Kumquat is worth a quote all in itself.
    - Jemma

I ate my piece, I ate Feyhar...I'm like the giant kumquat that ate Chicago.
    - Shelly

It's not that the pagans were terribly creative. It's that bunnies fuck and eggs hatch. Only the voice of the One True God could tell us that!
    - John, explaining Easter symbols.

Well, you see, you're not supposed to PUNCTURE your SKIN. So your body starts going,   "Hey...HEY! What the FUCK?!"
    - Max, on piercing pain.

Verter sneaks into my room and steals my toes.
    - Nick

Cassie's already had one phallic thing piercing her face today, she doesn't need another.
    - Nick

I got a needle shoved through my nose today. Anything you say is just icing on the cake. If you're gonna make dead baby jokes, now would be the time.
    - Cassie

Nick: (Does Gollum doing Moonlight Sonata)
Shelly: Someone give this man a blow-job!
Megan: That's Cassie's job.
Cassie: Um... Um...

I object to the idea of Megan and Vanessa getting some gangster cock, primarily because the idea of them getting filled out like an application for a summer job at McDonald's does not exactly appeal!
    - Nick

Nick: Where are my McNuggets, woman?
Cassie: Considering the location of your head currently, I suggest you open your eyes.

I hope your ovaries melt.
    - Nick

Peek-a-boo Shelly breasts?
    - Nick

I talk like myself and she says, shut up you make me sick. I talk like Sean Connery and call Shelly's mom a whore and it's like take me home you hunk of steaming Scottish love.
    - Nick

Shelly: I'll spend time staring at Cassie's breasts!
Cassie: Well, given what the birth control has done to them, feel free - I do it all the time. I look down and I'm like "Holy hell, what are those?!"

This one wants to make out with Shemma and the other one is fucking my ex-wife.
    - Nick, being unhappy while glomped by two girls.

Everyone wants to eat Bev bits! Wait...
    - Nick

After meeting you guys, my Weird Shit-o-meteer kind of got blown to pieces.
    - Cassie

Shelly: You rolled d20 for cute and got a 45.
Cassie; He critted on his cute role.

I'm not exactly scared of Christians, I just worry that they look at me and see firewood.
    - Cassie

John: It's so greasy it forms it's own bacon!
Nick: Metabacon. Half the taste, twice the fat.

You're on the computer so much your blood type is C++.
    - John

Am I hungry or am I just bored?
    - Nick

Bill is the one who looks like he never quite made it out of the 1950s.
    -Cassie

John: Ernie is the one who looks like Kevin Spacey?
Nick: If I squint and have a couple of beers, yeah!

I don't know any nice people - I hang out with you guys!
    - Megan

Jemma: Do you talk to your god a lot?
Cassie: I wear blue a lot. Does that count?

Dangit! What's the point of Jedi mind-control if people won't get me pie?
    - Cassie

Max: One day I will say something so random it will erase someone's mind.
Cassie: And then it will hit the quote napkin and everyone will go blank.

Jemma, don't rationalize my hallucinations! You can rationalize yours when you - dammit, quote!
    - Cassie

Put your thoroughly cute pen away, Jemma.
    - Cassie

Cassie: You don't try to quote, it just happens, like a sneeze or a hiccup or...shut up, Monkey.
Max: Like spontaneous combustion!
Cassie: That's not what I was thinking...

My name is on the napkin six times - I get to see it first!
    - Cassie

Because I think of you as a daughter, and like a daughter, I can always have another one.
    - John

There'll be Bev and Jemma and Chae, and then this huge chunk of Cassie. I don't like that. I believe in equal opportunity quoting.
    - Cassie, on the quote page.

Max: Become one with the napkin...
Cassie: I have been one with more napkins this week than you will ever know, little man; try having a cold on this campus sometime.

Generally it's not a good idea to say "bite me" to anyone who has a problem with sunlight.
    - Cassie

Cassie: Speaking of fuck, I'm gonna go find my boyfriend.
Nick: (upon seeing the quote napkin) Oh-ho! "Speaking of fuck, I'm gonna go find my boyfriend?" Let's go into town.

Quick, someone say something witty and spontaneous!
    - Cassie

Don't worry, I've got his hands, and if worse comes to worst I can lower them and distract him.
    - Cassie

I don't give a flying fuck in a rolling donut what his name is!
    - John

Find my center, think about dead puppies.
    - Cassie, looking for her pathos.

John, what did you do?! Did you break my house?!
    - Max

My friends and I have a, we call it a personal calamity radius. It means anywhere within two feet of you, something bad is gonna happen.
    - Bev

Bev, if you were to bite her feet she wouldn't feel a damn thing!
    - Nessa

I'm enjoying this joke just because you're groping yourself...
    - Nick, about Bev's acting.

John, remind me to bludgeon you with a blunt object at some point.
    - Cassie

I need napkin preventing mouthwash. I just open my mouth and a napkin comes out.
    - Cassie

I don't want to know what a cosine is! I'm afraid of tangents! There's no place like algebra, there's no place like algebra, tap tap tap.
    - Cassie

Evil quotemonger!
  - Cassie

But the problem with a D&D tutorial is that Danny Michaelson would want to get in on it, and then he'd get all whiny when his character got killed. No! I did not just quote!
    - Cassie

You think I enjoy tentacle rape, Bev?!
    - Nessa

You're not immortal yest, ou don't get to give me that look of, I am immortal, I know SO much more than you ever will. You're only four years or however much older than me. But I know that it's not an aeon and dammit why am I quoting again?!
    - Cassie

Megan: The happiest look you've ever seen in someone's eyes, like it's gonna devour you and you're just not happy about it, because it's too happy...
Cassie: So basically, Chthulhu on a good day?

No, stop that! You're being witty again! Someday there's going to be a book of this! And pretentious college students are going to quip it to their friends!
    - Cassie

The perky is slowly draining away and all that's left is the undead.
    - Cassie, on Tiffany.

It's always the quiet ones who explode, and then there's bits of them all over the place, and it's just... ew.
    -Cassie

We're story about the steam engine. We're not sure why.  We apologize for purple M&M's. They were supposed to be violet. And I'm going to personally apologize for Terminator III. But if you look at is as the  $80 million ad for Arnold Schwarzeneger to be governor of California, you can see how really funny it is.
    - Excerpts from John's apology to Canada.

We're sorry for 1980, and the decade following.
    - Bev

You've been traumatized by Debbie's llama, but my llama is a llama of love!
    - Cassie

All my encounters with Patrick Swayze after that were like, I know what you look like in a dress. You look better than me in a dress. That's just not fair.
    - Cassie

Nothing makes something more appealing than being told you absolutely cannot do it.
    - Cassie

It's Glomp the Musical in harmony!
    - Cassie

Do you really think they let Bush write his own speeches? No, they give him a crayon when he wants to write something.
    - Cassie

That's the kind of culture on culture rape we need.
    - John

You know, I don't really wanna know where the ribs are in a tofu.
    - Cassie, while prodding the vegan riblets.

They're immune to disease, not big fucking angry philosophy majors with axes!
    - Nick

I'm sorry! I'm more impressed than I'm sorry, but I'm sorry!
    - John

Corn is like a launching device for fork shrapnel!
    - John

You know that whole thing about if I hit you, Shelly falls down? Keep it up, and I'll make Shelly think there's earthquakes in Massachusetts!
    - Nick

Karen and her musical tits. Huzzah!
    - Nick

His tail is disproportionately angled to his puffyness.
    - Bev doesn't like the origami fish.

Do your breasts always make noise when you play with them? Walking by Paris-Borden late at night, we start hearing symphonies...
    - Nick

Jemma: I've got folk up the wazoo who're all -
Cassie: That sounds uncomfortable!

Jemma: Wow, there are a lot more quotes than I thought!
Bev: Of course! That's because you've been writing down everything we say since we got here!

But it would make me so happy! Just whack! and he would fly into the wall and go like that (hands splayed in anime pose) and it would make me so happy, because he'd be quiet! or dead!
    - Cassie, on Hammerspace.

But, but, but,... I want a giant robot! ... pilot!
    - Cassie

So is the New York baby shop where all the pagans go to eat?
    - Cassie

What I really want to do is go back to the Burning Times with a big rubber stamp that says "Idiot."
    - Cassie

Somewhere out there, thousands of people just know me as "hyphen...Cassie."
    - Cassie

You never get good news from the business office. I could handle getting a letter that just said, "John, we like you. The end."
    - John

That is syrup with peach hero worship. Not peaches.
    - Cassie

Max: I am the ice cream cone Jesus.
John: Well, you are Jewish.

Jesus probably had much better sex scenes.
    - John, in comparison with Keanu Reeves.

This is the story of Vanessa who got stuck in the sewage pipe. She has to fight off the teeth that had ravenously torn apart her family of gingerbread people. Starring Gus.
    - John

He was Australian... you'd think in their penal colony, they'd know something about Shakespeare.
    - Ryan

That's how you know Jesus was a bish. Twelve smelly hairy guys followed him everywhere.
    - John

Nessa: Brewster is really scary at night, especially when you are being chased by Mexicans.
Bev: Which, if you're in Brewster at night, they probably will be chasing you.

Bev, I love you, but I don't want to watch them unstaple your stomach.
    - Cassie

Ryan: We're gonna have a great chicken debate.
Bev: Who's the great chicken?
John: That's a great response; let's defer to Ryan.
Ryan: I need sleep!

My brain has just been attacked by various images of unshirted young men.
    - Nessa

Oh yeah, you're Senior! You and Shelly need to stop doing that!
    - Megan

Use 8 commands, and the you go, no, one of those was wrong.
    - Nat, on falling about in photoshop.

Nessa: Nick hinted that he wanted to be gently caressing Nat...
Nick: That was purely rhetorical! RHE-TOR-I-CAL!
Nessa: Just because we're squealing doesn't mean you can't love us!

Holy shitballs, she's topless! And the creepy monkeyfuck's there too. He needs to go away.
    - Bev

Classes out the whoosh...
    - Shelly away from Bennington.

Jemma: I'm also sitting on a seatbelt.
Cassie: Well, I'm sure the seatbelt is enjoying it. ...Ack.