If I were a diehard
Trekkie, I'm sure I would have a dildo in the shape of Jean-Luc Picard.
Nick: A melon for ecstacy?
John: It makes a funnier noise when you kick it out of bed.
Nick: And it doesn't want to cuddle afterward.
I need melted butter... Stop right there!
If you could get lace on a jellyfish, that'd be him.
-Shelly on Black Arrow
Chronic bangs. They're there, and they never go away.
-BlackArrow on Monkey
Chae: Just the shape of his fashe.
You're like Edgar Allen Poe with a wand!
-John to Harry Potter
You have a hammer in your backpack! I know you do! Get away from me!
-Cassie to the scary Norse-lookin guys
I have intimate knowledge of what it's like to be in an orgy, without ever
taking off my clothes.
-Cassie went to a heavy metal concert
It's like, the adventure of moving it without breaking it, but there's no
Legend of Zelda reset button thingy!
-John had to move Cassie's fragile stuff piled on top of his boxes
Fake Smut Girl. Her nemesis is Dr. Innuendo, but the problem is that every
time he shows up at the door without his shirt on she gets distracted and has to leave
again, so they never really get down to their epic battle thing.
-Cassie's superhero name
Raid is the Slayer? Raid is the Chosen One per century?
It's the way of the corn. The corn is good.
Jemma: So, are you saying once you understand something, it's
John: I'm thinkin, yeah! ... I understand cystic fibrosis! Ha ha ha!
Jemma: You know your liver's dead, right?
John: I'm Irish, I don't have a liver!
Sorting out the diamond from the chaff.
-Anna, sorting while mixing metaphors
I'm not a pressure cooker! You can't make chilli in here!
Jemma: Stop sign? What stop sign?
Mike: I saw a go-fucking-past-me sign!
My name is Padawan Rue! That doesn't exactly strike fear into the hearts
of fuzzy bunnies!
I don't believe I just saw a grown woman stuff a banana down her shirt.
These cards want to boogy! They want to get down with their inner
I'm going to eat you and your kitty!
-Toby as Witch-King
We have unrequited lids.
Get your pink fuzzy amoebaness out of my face.
I'm only reading it until I find out how not to!
If you don't have a grain of salt to take that with, I can give you one.
I'm only here until I get directions on how to get away
Oh the times I wish I could manifest. It would be much better than seeing
Shelly sprawling all over your floor. Because I don't wear clothes!
Your breasts are lying.
-Charlie doesn't believe Andrea's "Never been kissed" shirt
Morning starts at noon. Anything else is just "fucking early".
Slavery's bad, wow! He's really up to date for the 1860s!
-Alex on Bush
I'm like an embittered valley girl!
You seem to have commandeered your sister's balls.
You're going to find J'ie, or you're going to get an industrial strength
I think it's about phalluses, lots of phalluses... People who are like, I
only have one - I want twenty!
-Mike on tentacle porn
The quality of your suckitude is amazing.
Jemma: Are you ready?
Chae: No, I have to make it stop being blue.
I love those plurals that are contained within the word! They're just my
favorite things in the world!
Jess: My brother's car developed a deathly allergy to the state his
girlfriend lived in.
Jemma: There's a nuked relationship.
Jess: Well, since his girlfriend is now his wife, it was the relationship with the car
that had to go.
Jemma: Was she worth it?
Jess: Oh yeah, she was a good little car...
Jemma: No no, I meant the girlfriend.
Why do I see about 20 pairs of eyes sliding away from me?
Margaret: Why are you all sitting here in the dark? (flips the light on,
Zoe: We like the dark, it reminds us of sleeping.
Margaret: Can I borrow your copy, Jemma? I've lost mine -
Student: Yes, you gave it to me! But then I gave it to Zoe -
Zoe: And I've written all over it!
Margaret: And we're back to you, Jemma.
A friend of mine came up with the greatest opening scene for a movie ever.
Beautiful women in chastity belts, waving goodbye to their husbands, the knights in
shining armor going off to the Crusades. Cut to: Cary Grant, the village locksmith.
She's checking out the parascope before they go to the submarine races.
Syllabi. Syllabuses. Syllabuckubi.
Erin: (nodding at some people passing by) Geeks.
Shelly: Oh... Aren't we geeks?
Erin: No, we're Nerds.
I am thoroughly hooked, and if you say a word after this denegrating your
writing skills I will... I will paint your armor, sword and sheild lilac and
We need a messiah. But we don't want charisma. We want him to look
confused and stupid all the time. Get Bill! Is Ted busy?
I'm like, what does my past have to do with my future?
-Megan doesn't like plan-writing
He's not the son of Zeus, he doesn't have to go out and bodybuild!
My battlecry is Meep. I'm comfortable with that.
Max: And what about this crossdressing?
John: Moses had a robe, Jesus had a robe, Hercules had a robe - you're burnin a lot of
Tristram: Is crossdressing a sin?
John: Is your reverend Jerry Fallwell? In which case, yes
And frankly, if a priest goes and enjoys himself with 500-yr-old porn,
it's not an alter-boy; it's fine by me.
God said, Thou shalt run the seven-minute mile. You're fucked, Jerry!
-John wants to talk to Jerry Fallwell
It's not so much a chastity belt as a chastity bikini.
I've seen the Virgin Mary more than twelve times now. Many more than
twelve times. I just felt like going with the apostles on that one.
Megan: If you pinch my cheeks, I'm gonna kill you!
Bev: See, she is grouchy!
Max: The Coke is seltzer, the pink lemonade is water! And the iced tea is
unsweetened. If this isn't Root Beer, I'm going to slay someone.
Bev: Waitaminute. A clear, scary-looking liquid came out of the Coke dispenser and you
Every time I'm not sick enough, you're right there to back me up, Bev!
You're the best! And by the best I mean the worst! And by the worst I mean holy fuck you
Forget the torrid hot sex, this is all about, You took my keys, dammit!
As usual your right hand gives your dick a hand.
Every time I think I've got it down, you go and lengthen it!
Bev: But the passion died when the adultery left the picture.
Ness to Megan: I think you should marry him again.
Jemma: I was about to say, Nick, you're just trying to give my hand
cramps, aren't you, and then I realized that that would be a bad idea.
Nick: I don't want to think about how I'm giving your hand cramps.
Go corrupt yourself, don't ask me to do it for you.
Reality has only an occasional visit into dreams. It has like vacation
homes there, but it never goes, because it always gets floods, and it'd have to call the
plumber, and get the windows fixed...
Nick: If Bev sucked my dick every time I told her to suck a dick, I'd fail
every class I have, because I'd never be able to go!
Bev: That's expecting a lot of me!
If Bev sucked my... ah-hah.. every time I told her to.. m-hm, I'd fail
every class I have...
-Megan (reading the above quote out loud)
I like my clothes! I don't want them to explode!
It was a nerve commiting honorable suicide.
Your hand was that big?! Like, in the womb! Got a little clip-on light -
Gotta get this down! You wouldn't believe what Dad said!
I have to go. I'd love to stay and pick apart Shakespeare some more, and
I'd love to stay and pick apart Shakespeare in complete sentences, but I have to go!
That's why you should worship the invincible Jell-O. It never lies. Except
for the mystery flavor.
Whoa! Nothing perks you up better than adrenaline! Sudden panic, better
It was like a psychological vasectomy.
Ness: There's these two vampires who've been dancing around each other for
like fifty years...
John: The endless waltz!
Ness: Right now, my body's telling me, Now would be a good time to have
kids! And I'm telling it, What, are you nuts?! I have things to do!
Zubin: You tell that uterus.
I'm from the Vermont of Iran. The quiet mountain parts where people don't
I wouldn't mind so much if it was really a vampire bite, because vampire
bites don't itch! Unless there's a whole part of folklore that we don't know
about, and the next morning after the orgasmic vampire bite you wake up and you're like
Holy hell! Itch itch itch itch itch!
If flames are illegal, they should ship Monkey out.
The great stud-muffin Monkey King
You'd think he wouldn't be able to pay attention considering what else
he's doing but nooooo - the great monkey king can multitask!!
-Jemma (busy soundproofing her chest so she doesn't hear Monkey and the
Eat! Eat! You're so thin! Okay, well, you don't really have a body, and
you're three times my size, but that doesn't matter! Take an apple with you. And some
What with him fellating chocolate in my body...
-Jemma on Monkey
Pagans who don't care pool.
Shelly: I've got a sword, and I will play Poke-the-Suzanne.
Suzanne: Oh God No! No anal invasions!
Vinny: You can borrow mine, it does tricks.
But Suzanne's current mood would change it from one of those dark black
cataclysmic black holes to a fuzzy pink one. But the end of the world, is the end of the
A ship with two Vikings on it. Two screaming girly Vikings.
She's a chibi in lingerie.
My body is my temple and I'll decorate it how I want it goddamnit! So if
you've got contacts does that count as the stainglass windows?
If I had any of the costumes from that movie I would marry myself.
It's like people equate the notion of peace with George Bush evaporating.
Max: Bev, you're about to go from Grand Pizza Master to Joke Slayer.
Bev: (considers) I've still got another paragraph or so to go before I kill it!
Give the rabbit the fuckin' cereal! If that's the one thing that'll make
him happy then give it to him, you evil fucks! He's been tryin' to get it for 40 years,
it's not like it's that expensive!
- Bev, on the poor Trix rabbit
Nessa: I need a rubby back. A back...oh no...
Bev: A back rub?
Uh...the chair is making love to my knee?
Speaking of pelvic thrusts, what are you having for dessert tonight?
Sure, I cast level 8 eroticism, ooooh.
I didn't know it was possible for a human tongue to be that flexible...
- Cassie, on Monkey eating chocolate.
Because Germany must be freed from the tyranny of zombie Nazism.
An all girl orgy filmed by fluffers, just for the fuck of it. I don't
think we need 19 fluffers - 20, 12, 22, Fels.
The walls have AIDS. Beware the glory hole.
Max: John, you're sitting in a pool of wrong!
John: A Pool of wrong that smells like Fels.
Bev: Especially since it looks like he's walking on a dead fish.
John: Spongebob Squarepants is riding the corpse of his fish brethren.
Jemma: Ground, Cassie, ground. That's the ground, in case you've lost
Cassie: And it's resting on the back of a giant turtle!
Just don't hit on me, and your penis won't be cut off.
It's buggy as Fels.
- Nick, on his game.
I had one sparkle of carbonated, sugary hope. And Max squashed it!
There are crumbs in my astrolabe!
Kumquat, Shelly? Kumquat is worth a quote all in itself.
I ate my piece, I ate Feyhar...I'm like the giant kumquat that ate
It's not that the pagans were terribly creative. It's that bunnies fuck
and eggs hatch. Only the voice of the One True God could tell us that!
- John, explaining Easter symbols.
Well, you see, you're not supposed to PUNCTURE your SKIN. So your body
starts going, "Hey...HEY! What the FUCK?!"
- Max, on piercing pain.
Verter sneaks into my room and steals my toes.
Cassie's already had one phallic thing piercing her face today, she
doesn't need another.
I got a needle shoved through my nose today. Anything you say is just
icing on the cake. If you're gonna make dead baby jokes, now would be the time.
Nick: (Does Gollum doing Moonlight Sonata)
Shelly: Someone give this man a blow-job!
Megan: That's Cassie's job.
Cassie: Um... Um...
I object to the idea of Megan and Vanessa getting some gangster cock,
primarily because the idea of them getting filled out like an application for a summer job
at McDonald's does not exactly appeal!
Nick: Where are my McNuggets, woman?
Cassie: Considering the location of your head currently, I suggest you open your eyes.
I hope your ovaries melt.
Peek-a-boo Shelly breasts?
I talk like myself and she says, shut up you make me sick. I talk like
Sean Connery and call Shelly's mom a whore and it's like take me home you hunk of steaming
Shelly: I'll spend time staring at Cassie's breasts!
Cassie: Well, given what the birth control has done to them, feel free - I do it all the
time. I look down and I'm like "Holy hell, what are those?!"
This one wants to make out with Shemma and the other one is fucking my
- Nick, being unhappy while glomped by two girls.
Everyone wants to eat Bev bits! Wait...
After meeting you guys, my Weird Shit-o-meteer kind of got blown to
Shelly: You rolled d20 for cute and got a 45.
Cassie; He critted on his cute role.
I'm not exactly scared of Christians, I just worry that they look at me
and see firewood.
John: It's so greasy it forms it's own bacon!
Nick: Metabacon. Half the taste, twice the fat.
You're on the computer so much your blood type is C++.
Am I hungry or am I just bored?
Bill is the one who looks like he never quite made it out of the 1950s.
John: Ernie is the one who looks like Kevin Spacey?
Nick: If I squint and have a couple of beers, yeah!
I don't know any nice people - I hang out with you guys!
Jemma: Do you talk to your god a lot?
Cassie: I wear blue a lot. Does that count?
Dangit! What's the point of Jedi mind-control if people won't get me pie?
Max: One day I will say something so random it will erase someone's mind.
Cassie: And then it will hit the quote napkin and everyone will go blank.
Jemma, don't rationalize my hallucinations! You can rationalize yours when
you - dammit, quote!
Put your thoroughly cute pen away, Jemma.
Cassie: You don't try to quote, it just happens, like a sneeze or a hiccup
or...shut up, Monkey.
Max: Like spontaneous combustion!
Cassie: That's not what I was thinking...
My name is on the napkin six times - I get to see it first!
Because I think of you as a daughter, and like a daughter, I can always
have another one.
There'll be Bev and Jemma and Chae, and then this huge chunk of Cassie. I
don't like that. I believe in equal opportunity quoting.
- Cassie, on the quote page.
Max: Become one with the napkin...
Cassie: I have been one with more napkins this week than you will ever know, little man;
try having a cold on this campus sometime.
Generally it's not a good idea to say "bite me" to anyone who
has a problem with sunlight.
Cassie: Speaking of fuck, I'm gonna go find my boyfriend.
Nick: (upon seeing the quote napkin) Oh-ho! "Speaking of fuck, I'm gonna go find my
boyfriend?" Let's go into town.
Quick, someone say something witty and spontaneous!
Don't worry, I've got his hands, and if worse comes to worst I can lower
them and distract him.
I don't give a flying fuck in a rolling donut what his name is!
Find my center, think about dead puppies.
- Cassie, looking for her pathos.
John, what did you do?! Did you break my house?!
My friends and I have a, we call it a personal calamity radius. It means
anywhere within two feet of you, something bad is gonna happen.
Bev, if you were to bite her feet she wouldn't feel a damn thing!
I'm enjoying this joke just because you're groping yourself...
- Nick, about Bev's acting.
John, remind me to bludgeon you with a blunt object at some point.
I need napkin preventing mouthwash. I just open my mouth and a napkin
I don't want to know what a cosine is! I'm afraid of tangents! There's no
place like algebra, there's no place like algebra, tap tap tap.
But the problem with a D&D tutorial is that Danny Michaelson would
want to get in on it, and then he'd get all whiny when his character got killed. No! I did
not just quote!
You think I enjoy tentacle rape, Bev?!
You're not immortal yest, ou don't get to give me that look of, I am
immortal, I know SO much more than you ever will. You're only four years or however much
older than me. But I know that it's not an aeon and dammit why am I quoting again?!
Megan: The happiest look you've ever seen in someone's eyes, like it's
gonna devour you and you're just not happy about it, because it's too happy...
Cassie: So basically, Chthulhu on a good day?
No, stop that! You're being witty again! Someday there's going to be a
book of this! And pretentious college students are going to quip it to their friends!
The perky is slowly draining away and all that's left is the undead.
- Cassie, on Tiffany.
It's always the quiet ones who explode, and then there's bits of them all
over the place, and it's just... ew.
We're story about the steam engine. We're not sure why. We apologize
for purple M&M's. They were supposed to be violet. And I'm going to personally
apologize for Terminator III. But if you look at is as the $80 million ad for Arnold
Schwarzeneger to be governor of California, you can see how really funny it is.
- Excerpts from John's apology to Canada.
We're sorry for 1980, and the decade following.
You've been traumatized by Debbie's llama, but my llama is a llama of
All my encounters with Patrick Swayze after that were like, I know what
you look like in a dress. You look better than me in a dress. That's just not fair.
Nothing makes something more appealing than being told you absolutely
cannot do it.
It's Glomp the Musical in harmony!
Do you really think they let Bush write his own speeches? No, they give
him a crayon when he wants to write something.
That's the kind of culture on culture rape we need.
You know, I don't really wanna know where the ribs are in a tofu.
- Cassie, while prodding the vegan riblets.
They're immune to disease, not big fucking angry philosophy majors with
I'm sorry! I'm more impressed than I'm sorry, but I'm sorry!
Corn is like a launching device for fork shrapnel!
You know that whole thing about if I hit you, Shelly falls down? Keep it
up, and I'll make Shelly think there's earthquakes in Massachusetts!
Karen and her musical tits. Huzzah!
His tail is disproportionately angled to his puffyness.
- Bev doesn't like the origami fish.
Do your breasts always make noise when you play with them? Walking by
Paris-Borden late at night, we start hearing symphonies...
Jemma: I've got folk up the wazoo who're all -
Cassie: That sounds uncomfortable!
Jemma: Wow, there are a lot more quotes than I thought!
Bev: Of course! That's because you've been writing down everything we say since we got
But it would make me so happy! Just whack! and he would fly into the wall
and go like that (hands splayed in anime pose) and it would make me so happy, because he'd
be quiet! or dead!
- Cassie, on Hammerspace.
But, but, but,... I want a giant robot! ... pilot!
So is the New York baby shop where all the pagans go to eat?
What I really want to do is go back to the Burning Times with a big rubber
stamp that says "Idiot."
Somewhere out there, thousands of people just know me as
You never get good news from the business office. I could handle getting a
letter that just said, "John, we like you. The end."
That is syrup with peach hero worship. Not peaches.
Max: I am the ice cream cone Jesus.
John: Well, you are Jewish.
Jesus probably had much better sex scenes.
- John, in comparison with Keanu Reeves.
This is the story of Vanessa who got stuck in the sewage pipe. She has to
fight off the teeth that had ravenously torn apart her family of gingerbread people.
He was Australian... you'd think in their penal colony, they'd know
something about Shakespeare.
That's how you know Jesus was a bish. Twelve smelly hairy guys followed
Nessa: Brewster is really scary at night, especially when you are being
chased by Mexicans.
Bev: Which, if you're in Brewster at night, they probably will be chasing you.
Bev, I love you, but I don't want to watch them unstaple your stomach.
Ryan: We're gonna have a great chicken debate.
Bev: Who's the great chicken?
John: That's a great response; let's defer to Ryan.
Ryan: I need sleep!
My brain has just been attacked by various images of unshirted young men.
Oh yeah, you're Senior! You and Shelly need to stop doing that!
Use 8 commands, and the you go, no, one of those was wrong.
- Nat, on falling about in photoshop.
Nessa: Nick hinted that he wanted to be gently caressing Nat...
Nick: That was purely rhetorical! RHE-TOR-I-CAL!
Nessa: Just because we're squealing doesn't mean you can't love us!
Holy shitballs, she's topless! And the creepy monkeyfuck's there too. He
needs to go away.
Classes out the whoosh...
- Shelly away from Bennington.
Jemma: I'm also sitting on a seatbelt.
Cassie: Well, I'm sure the seatbelt is enjoying it. ...Ack.
I don't mind having voices in my head, I just don't like having them come
out of my mouth.